It's A Sex-Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Close your legs and lock up those chastity belts good and tight. Sex madness is sweeping the globe, and you may be it's next, um, victim.

Suspected rodent rapist Richard Gere is a wanted man in India. A warrant has been issued for his arrest there after he repeatedly kissed his female co-host on a televised AIDS benefit. The traditionally modest country was thrown into chaos in the aftermath of the illicit act. Angry people started riots and demanded that both pervs/perps be prosecuted. Gere apologized, but you can't reason with the righteous. I can only imagine what would have happened had Gere been depicted kissing an Indian woman in a cartoon. (Yes, I know that was a different group of people, but they're reacting the same way, i.e. "over." And anyway, I'll cover them next.)

From the Middle East we hear that there's basically the Muslim equivalent of sex therapist Dr. Ruth in Egypt. Dr. Heba Kotb has a TV show, The Big Talk, where she candidly discusses sexuality for married couples. Yes, only married couples, though I imagine it would be hard to prevent anyone tuning in. What's amazing is not that she reveals Muslims actually do have sex (as did our folks and their folks), but that she hasn't been taken off the air and arrested on morals charges. Here you have a woman talking about, among other things, "masturbation... sex over the Internet" while she sits with her head modestly covered as if those are pubes she's hiding under there. Beats me.

Restrooms aren't for rest, and "comfort women" weren't exactly for comfort. They were prostitutes who were often forced to work against their will. And it has come to light that, no sooner had the Japanese surrendered to the US during World War II, than they set up brothels to quench the carnal appetites of our GI's during the post-war occupation. I would not be the man to deny any person their share of the corporeal pursuits, least of all our boys in the Pacific, but this is one instance where I would definitely call sex "shameful."

And speaking of sexual slavery...

Condi's right-hand man (no pun intended), Randall L. Tobias, resigned last week after his name was revealed to be on the client list of a Washington, DC madam. And more prominent names are expected to come. This case is interesting not only because of Tobias' proximity to top government officials, but because he had previously headed a group called AIDS Relief on behalf of President Bush. This organization stresses abstinence over condom use, and opposes prostitution and sex slavery.

In his defense, Tobias claims there was "no sex,' but merely some massages from the "gals." In other words, he did not have sexual relations with those women, and they didn't inhale his semen. No sex? I guess it depends on what the meaning of come is. But a couple hundred bucks per hour and he didn't get laid? Yeah, and Ted Haggard didn’t get man-love from his hired hand either. Tobias is a man who really knows how to blow his taxpayer-provided salary. In a manner of speaking.

Sex isn't going away. Not for the rich or the poor, the powerful or the meek, the Christian or the Muslim. It's time human beings acknowledged their natural urges, suppressed them when appropriate, and celebrated them responsibly whenever possible. Who's with me?

It's A Crime I Tell Ya!

In this post-9/11, post-politically correct age we seem to have lost all reason when it comes to law enforcement. Write something off-kilter, make a loud noise or pull a tasteless practical joke and you're a criminal. Some recent events at US schools vividly illustrate this disturbing reality...

A high school student was arrested for turning in a creative writing assignment describing imaginary violent acts. His instructions had been to "not judge or censor" himself, but to write whatever came to his mind. Further, he said he was supposed to "exaggerate" his writing.

By all accounts, the offender is a well-adjusted, straight-A student with no priors. But, in light of VTU, I guess no one is willing to take chances, so they arrested the kid. This may be the first case of someone in the US being arrested simply for writing a school paper that does not make a specific threat to anyone. Sadly, I'm probably wrong.

I was wrong when I said nothing would change as a result of the VTU massacre; lax guns laws are staying put, but creative writing will be criminalized.

Meanwhile, over at University of South Florida, a pair of students were arrested for setting off a "dry ice bomb." Just in case you missed this one growing up, you put some dry ice and water into a plastic soft drink bottle and seal it; pressure then builds up inside the bottle until it explodes with a loud report, to the glee of all present. Yeah, it's pretty juvenile, but also harmless. (Boy, I hope I don't get in trouble for posting instructions on how to make a "bomb" on the Internet.)

This "bomb" was set off in an open field, away from people and buildings, not that it was likely to hurt anyone or damage anything. Again, the point is to make a loud noise. Yet, the students have been kicked off campus and are facing felony charges.

I urge you to harass (yes, that's the word I meant to use) USF administration and the Florida Attorney General's office to reconsider any charges for Anthony Shortt and Sara Claussen.

Meanwhile, in Lewiston, Maine, some middle school kids are in trouble for placing a ham next to some Muslim students in the school's lunchroom. The police are investigating the incident as a possible "hate crime." (Muslims do not consume pork, and try to avoid to being near it, as they find it unclean and offensive.)

I'm not part of any established religion, but I am a strict vegetarian. That means I eat no swimming things, no flying things, no walking things, etc. I take it very seriously, and believe the custom of eating dead animals (as I once did) is primitive and grotesque. However, if you place a juicy, medium-rare hamburger in front of me, I'm going to say "No thanks" (or, depending on what your intention was, "No thanks, asshole"). You would be wrong to intentionally do that, but I would not consider you guilty of a crime.

The act of the Lewiston kids was certainly insensitive and uncool; some disciplinary action by the school is appropriate, as it is with any incident of student harassment. However, it's nothing resembling a crime, hate or otherwise. Give me a fucking break. If we start arresting everyone for violating the beliefs and superstitions of others, there'll be no free people left in the United States.

The understood general policy for school kids has for time immemorial has been to behave yourself, do your work, leave your peers alone and listen to your teachers. Now we seem to be appending the caveat "under penalty of law" to that.

Week Of 30 July, 2006

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Is "Sparky's" really a good name for a gas station?

*NSYNCER COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET
Would it be homophobic of me to say that Lance Bass has always "seemed" gay? And that name? Hello! "Lance" is a dead giveaway, boyfriend.

SAY, AREN'T YOU...
This website enables you to upload your photo, and will then purportedly find your celebrity doppleganger, i.e. the famous person you look most like. Or vice versa.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
God May Be Your Co-Pilot, But Satan Is My Flight Attendant

BUSH SAYS "F.U" TO US CONSTITUTION, NATION LOOKS ON IMPASSIVELY
Why is the president ignoring our laws? That's what at least one consternative newscaster is asking. It must be getting lonely up there at the top for Bush.

RELIGIOUS LEFT GETS IT RIGHT
Finally, some religious folk who understand their own beliefs supercede so-called patriotism.

Week Of 16 July, 2006

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Scientists have developed a new chocolate that won't melt. The new, eh, substance holds its shape up to 122 degrees Fahrenheit, which is the exact temperature inside one of my pockets during the summer. The marketing slogan for the new sweetmeat: "Melts in your stomach, not in your mouth or hands."

CASTRATO LIBERATO DEL GRAVO
Italian scientists have exhumed the remains of an 18th-century opera singer who owed his talents in part to the fact that he was missing key (pun fully intended) male parts. The castrati had their private parts removed before puberty so they would retain their high-pitched singing voices. Jesus, and I thought Gary Coleman had tough "stage parents." The scientists could have saved themselves the trouble of digging the unfortunate man up; if they wanted to study a man with a woman's voice, they could have simply contacted Clay Aiken.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
My Other Son Is a US Marine
(culled from "My Other Car Is A Porsche" and "My Son Is A US Marine")

COULDA BEEN A SENATOR
Colorado beer magnate Peter Coors has had his driver's license taken away for driving under the influence of alcohol. Coors has admitted to drinking a beer about 30 minutes before he got behind the wheel and ran a stop sign back in May. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing - getting a DUI, or getting a DUI with one of Peter's beers in you.

LONG AIM OF THE LAW
A police constable in Hyberabad, India is in trouble for expectorating on students who were protesting an increase in college tuition fees. Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!