FRAGMENTIA 13: Bite-sized slices of life

4.30.2006

Week Of 30 April, 2006

SWEET NECTAR OF LIFE
Whether you're already a devout Christian, or are thinking about becoming one, this site has all the trappings you need to express your faith with flair.

WHO KNEW "FIVE TO TEN" MEANT INCHES?
"Drop the dildo, and step away from the bed!" Yet another Southern backwater is trying to make possession of sex toys a felony. I'll give you a moment to ponder that: Yup, even two consenting, married, heterosexual adults can't express their love physically without running afoul of the law (it's a given in many places that single and/or gay people cannot indulge their desires). This reminds me of the Texas woman who was arrested for throwing the adult version of a Tupperware Party. If we can't legally possess items made of plastic or latex in our own homes, what other manmade materials are safe???

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Dishonest Abe (singular noun): Indicted former lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

CUCKOO FOR COCO PUFFS
Is the Middle East ready for The Vagina Monologues? Lebanon is giving it a go. "Coco," apparently Lebanese for "coochie," is now being tossed around onstage over there alongside Shakespearean verse, to the shock and delight of long-deprived audiences. Once I finish writing The Penis Postulates I'll have to see if there's a market for it in the Muslim world.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
When Clinton Lied Only Sperm Died

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
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4.23.2006

Week of 23 April, 2006

WHO KNEW IT WAS THIS EASY?
The proverbial "dirty old man" was arrested in South Florida recently after posing as a doctor and going door to door offering free breast exams. Several women took Philip Winikoff, 76, up on the offer before one got suspicious and called the police. Apparently carrying a black bag and saying you're with a local hospital is all you need do to get some women to doff their blouses. Perhaps those "FBI" t-shirts, that is, the ones which read "Female Body Inspector," may not be such a silly investment after all.

THINGS TO PONDER
Anti-depressants like Prozac often cause "certain sexual side effects" in users, i.e. erectile dysfunction and ejaculatory failure. What could be more of a bummer?

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
My Honor Student Beat Up Your Messiah

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Consternative (singular noun): A politically brain-dead person prone to causing consternation among intelligent people.

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
It's time to retire the overused expression "aid and comfort." One of the most annoying phrases of the war on terror, it just doesn't work. I picture this: "Come sit down, Mr. Terrorist. I'll get you a Band-Aid and a pillow while my wife fixes you some soup. You can bunk with our teenage daughter until you feel better." See? Totally wrong.

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!

4.16.2006

Week Of 16 April, 2006

THINGS TO PONDER
Is it fair to give a Hollywood star to Winnie the Pooh, but not to Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
If The Van Is Rocking, Call 911 - I'm Having Another Seizure

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
Speaking of bumper stickers, one that has really caught my attention is, "Caution: In Case Of Rapture This Vehicle Will Be Unmanned." How thoughtful of these folks to tell me that, when the end comes and they're suddenly swept off to heaven, I should be careful about all the driverless cars on the road. I mean, how would I explain that accident to my insurance company? "One minute there was a guy driving the car, the next minute he was gone!" As I certainly won't be ascending, I hope they'll start to offer "unmanned car rapture collision insurance" someday soon.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Legislater (singular noun): Not to be confused with a "legislator," legislaters are lawmakers who recently left office in disgrace, or are soon to vacate, because of their own corruption, incompetence or other misdeeds. "Duke" Cunningham? Later! Tom DeLay? Later!!!

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
A "pregnant" robot called "Noelle" is now being used to train medical students on how to assist with the birthing of a child. Her (its?) realistic human appearance begs the following questions:

Do they dope Noelle up before delivery?

Do they, um, shave Noelle's
syngina before delivery so it won't tickle the baby's nose on the way out?

Is Noelle equipped with a voice-chip, enabling her to scream, "Push? Yeah, I'll push, you bastard! YOU did this to me, you goddamned son of a bitch!!!"

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!

4.09.2006

Week Of 9 April, 2006

PISSING ON PROGRESS
Take a look at this dispute over water-free urinals in Philadelphia. No water means no work for plumbers - but a savings of well over 1 million gallons of water per year. Which is preferable? If we are to move to a less oil-dependent culture, this "jobs vs. progress" argument will become increasingly prominent.

THINGS TO PONDER
Is penne pasta ribbed for our dining pleasure?


WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Ideot (singular noun): Someone so ideologically extreme that everything they say makes them look idiotic. See Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh for a demonstration.

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Know thyself, but never in public places.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
I Brake For DUI Checkpoints

DASTARDLY DISCIPLES
Maybe the religious right was right - transvestitism is harmful. Just look at what these cross-dressers did.

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
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4.01.2006

Week Of 2 April, 2006

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Scientists are working on technology to allow them to one day build atom-sized computers. This brings up all sorts of questions: How big will the stores that sell these computers be? Will there be subatomic-sized security tags on the computers to prevent people stealing them? And perhaps the most important question: Will these computers count as “one personal item” when brought onto a commercial airplane?

NECTAR OF LIFE
Things you can make with Guinness.

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Justice isn’t blind, just blindfolded. (That's a sword she's carrying, not a cane.)

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Honk If You Take Orders From Strangers

WHAT WEBSTER WON’T TELL YOU
Republicants
(plural noun): Like the replicants in Blade Runner, Republicants appear human but really aren’t. They are dangerously powerful, have trouble with "feelings," and should not be trusted under any circumstances.

THINGS TO PONDER
Shouldn’t menopause be called “menostop?”

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!