FRAGMENTIA 13: Bite-sized slices of life

5.28.2006

Week Of 28 May, 2006

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Some time ago I told you about a microscopic computer that had just been invented. Well, I've been unable to sleep since then worrying about how someone might clean off the dust particles that might accumulate on that dainty device. Hallelujah! Science has finally given us the nano-brush. Coincidentally, that's just about the size of brush I need to neaten up my own hair.

THINGS TO PONDER
The Minutemen who keep America's southern border safe are building a fence, "La Pared Grande de Mexico," to keep those heavily armed Mexican migrant families out. Considering the name they've chosen for themselves, should these brave men be forced to carry muskets and wear tri-corner hats?

YOU SAY YOU WANT AN EVOLUTION
Some apes have shown the ability to "plan ahead." They could teach some of my friends and family members a thing or two.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Jerkumcision (singular noun): The forcible removal, often by means of a sharp object, of a loud, obnoxious person from a public place.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
My Hostage Is A Terrific Student At Washington Elementary

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!

5.21.2006

Week Of 21 May, 2006

DROP ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
And the Perfect Parenting Prize goes to... Britney Spears, who apparently learned her parental safety skills from another former pop star, Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson. She just can't seem to get a handle on little Sean, nearly dropping him right in front of the press. Maybe she needs to read the label and realize that it's cooking oil and not baby oil she's using on him.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Thongtanel (singular noun): A groove down the middle of a baby's head, caused by its mother's frequent wearing of thong undies during her pregnancy. See also: Britney Spears

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Keeping an eye on your caffeine intake? Worry no longer - just slip your dipstick into the cup. Warning: Coffee may be very HOT.

MINE'S BIGGER 'N YOURS
Apparently even the speed limits are bigger in Texas. Let's see Sammy Hagar find a word to rhyme with "80!" "I can't drive 80, I'd rather live in Haiti..."

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
In A Recent Survey, 91% Of Participants Said You Suck

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!

5.15.2006

Week Of 14 May, 2006: Technical Difficulties (Updated)

The post I was preparing for this week seems to have disappeared forever. Below is some of what was to be included (from memory) and other material. Sorry for the delay. Note: The technical difficulties seem to continue, as I am unable to make the headings their usual dark green. WTF?

THINGS TO PONDER
My oven has four racks. What do I do when the instructions tell me to bake something on the middle rack?

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Ma'amography (plural noun): An alternative name for women's literature.

ARMED AND DELUDED
Katherine Harris, the dragon-lady and makeover-as-cautionary tale who gave Florida to Bush in 2000, is training for a concealed weapons permit. Could it be that having all the Democrats and Republicants in the state against her Senate campaign is making her paranoid? I can see packing heat becoming a Republicant politicians' rite of passage in the near future.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Da Pimpmaster General

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Apparently those nutty Skull and Bones blokes really did steal Geronimo's skull last century. When President Bush, grandson of a Skull and Bones member, heard about a recently discovered letter which appears to verify the long-alleged theft, he was heard to say, "Did they find his parachute, too?"

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
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5.07.2006

Week Of 7 May, 2006

THINGS TO PONDER
Why do consternative crooks like Limbo and DeLay always smile for their mug shots? Hubris? Denial? Gas? They certainly emit plenty of the latter.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
I Have Nothing At All Against You People

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
What are Iraqis using their fake IDs for? Liquor? Cigarettes? Strip clubs? Casinos? Actually it's nothing vice-related. They're using them to stay alive.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Busheroo (singular noun): A gung-ho, yee-haw supporter of President Bush, with a somewhat Australian-sounding nickname.

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
The fast-food giants are certainly doing their part to stem the tide of obesity in the US. Seeking to prove that everything from Texas is bigger, Burger King has introduced the Texas Double Whopper, with two beef patties and bacon. But it's not just about portion sizes! Taco Bell has decided three squares per day isn't enough and is trying to get something called "fourth meal" going. Let the gluttony begin!

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya!