FRAGMENTIA 13: Bite-sized slices of life

It's A Sex-Mad Mad Mad Mad World

2007-05-01T06:55:00.000-04:00

Close your legs and lock up those chastity belts good and tight. Sex madness is sweeping the globe, and you may be it's next, um, victim.

Suspected rodent rapist Richard Gere is a wanted man in India. A warrant has been issued for his arrest there after he repeatedly kissed his female co-host on a televised AIDS benefit. The traditionally modest country was thrown into chaos in the aftermath of the illicit act. Angry people started riots and demanded that both pervs/perps be prosecuted. Gere apologized, but you can't reason with the righteous. I can only imagine what would have happened had Gere been depicted kissing an Indian woman in a cartoon. (Yes, I know that was a different group of people, but they're reacting the same way, i.e. "over." And anyway, I'll cover them next.)

From the Middle East we hear that there's basically the Muslim equivalent of sex therapist Dr. Ruth in Egypt. Dr. Heba Kotb has a TV show, The Big Talk, where she candidly discusses sexuality for married couples. Yes, only married couples, though I imagine it would be hard to prevent anyone tuning in. What's amazing is not that she reveals Muslims actually do have sex (as did our folks and their folks), but that she hasn't been taken off the air and arrested on morals charges. Here you have a woman talking about, among other things, "masturbation... sex over the Internet" while she sits with her head modestly covered as if those are pubes she's hiding under there. Beats me.

Restrooms aren't for rest, and "comfort women" weren't exactly for comfort. They were prostitutes who were often forced to work against their will. And it has come to light that, no sooner had the Japanese surrendered to the US during World War II, than they set up brothels to quench the carnal appetites of our GI's during the post-war occupation. I would not be the man to deny any person their share of the corporeal pursuits, least of all our boys in the Pacific, but this is one instance where I would definitely call sex "shameful."

And speaking of sexual slavery...

Condi's right-hand man (no pun intended), Randall L. Tobias, resigned last week after his name was revealed to be on the client list of a Washington, DC madam. And more prominent names are expected to come. This case is interesting not only because of Tobias' proximity to top government officials, but because he had previously headed a group called AIDS Relief on behalf of President Bush. This organization stresses abstinence over condom use, and opposes prostitution and sex slavery.

In his defense, Tobias claims there was "no sex,' but merely some massages from the "gals." In other words, he did not have sexual relations with those women, and they didn't inhale his semen. No sex? I guess it depends on what the meaning of come is. But a couple hundred bucks per hour and he didn't get laid? Yeah, and Ted Haggard didn’t get man-love from his hired hand either. Tobias is a man who really knows how to blow his taxpayer-provided salary. In a manner of speaking.

Sex isn't going away. Not for the rich or the poor, the powerful or the meek, the Christian or the Muslim. It's time human beings acknowledged their natural urges, suppressed them when appropriate, and celebrated them responsibly whenever possible. Who's with me?

It's A Crime I Tell Ya!

2007-04-28T11:10:00.000-04:00

In this post-9/11, post-politically correct age we seem to have lost all reason when it comes to law enforcement. Write something off-kilter, make a loud noise or pull a tasteless practical joke and you're a criminal. Some recent events at US schools vividly illustrate this disturbing reality...

A high school student was arrested for turning in a creative writing assignment describing imaginary violent acts. His instructions had been to "not judge or censor" himself, but to write whatever came to his mind. Further, he said he was supposed to "exaggerate" his writing.

By all accounts, the offender is a well-adjusted, straight-A student with no priors. But, in light of VTU, I guess no one is willing to take chances, so they arrested the kid. This may be the first case of someone in the US being arrested simply for writing a school paper that does not make a specific threat to anyone. Sadly, I'm probably wrong.

I was wrong when I said nothing would change as a result of the VTU massacre; lax guns laws are staying put, but creative writing will be criminalized.

Meanwhile, over at University of South Florida, a pair of students were arrested for setting off a "dry ice bomb." Just in case you missed this one growing up, you put some dry ice and water into a plastic soft drink bottle and seal it; pressure then builds up inside the bottle until it explodes with a loud report, to the glee of all present. Yeah, it's pretty juvenile, but also harmless. (Boy, I hope I don't get in trouble for posting instructions on how to make a "bomb" on the Internet.)

This "bomb" was set off in an open field, away from people and buildings, not that it was likely to hurt anyone or damage anything. Again, the point is to make a loud noise. Yet, the students have been kicked off campus and are facing felony charges.

I urge you to harass (yes, that's the word I meant to use) USF administration and the Florida Attorney General's office to reconsider any charges for Anthony Shortt and Sara Claussen.

Meanwhile, in Lewiston, Maine, some middle school kids are in trouble for placing a ham next to some Muslim students in the school's lunchroom. The police are investigating the incident as a possible "hate crime." (Muslims do not consume pork, and try to avoid to being near it, as they find it unclean and offensive.)

I'm not part of any established religion, but I am a strict vegetarian. That means I eat no swimming things, no flying things, no walking things, etc. I take it very seriously, and believe the custom of eating dead animals (as I once did) is primitive and grotesque. However, if you place a juicy, medium-rare hamburger in front of me, I'm going to say "No thanks" (or, depending on what your intention was, "No thanks, asshole"). You would be wrong to intentionally do that, but I would not consider you guilty of a crime.

The act of the Lewiston kids was certainly insensitive and uncool; some disciplinary action by the school is appropriate, as it is with any incident of student harassment. However, it's nothing resembling a crime, hate or otherwise. Give me a fucking break. If we start arresting everyone for violating the beliefs and superstitions of others, there'll be no free people left in the United States.

The understood general policy for school kids has for time immemorial has been to behave yourself, do your work, leave your peers alone and listen to your teachers. Now we seem to be appending the caveat "under penalty of law" to that.

Week Of 30 July, 2006

2006-07-30T11:55:00.000-04:00

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Is "Sparky's" really a good name for a gas station?

*NSYNCER COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET
Would it be homophobic of me to say that Lance Bass has always "seemed" gay? And that name? Hello! "Lance" is a dead giveaway, boyfriend.

SAY, AREN'T YOU...
This website enables you to upload your photo, and will then purportedly find your celebrity doppleganger, i.e. the famous person you look most like. Or vice versa.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
God May Be Your Co-Pilot, But Satan Is My Flight Attendant

BUSH SAYS "F.U" TO US CONSTITUTION, NATION LOOKS ON IMPASSIVELY
Why is the president ignoring our laws? That's what at least one consternative newscaster is asking. It must be getting lonely up there at the top for Bush.

RELIGIOUS LEFT GETS IT RIGHT
Finally, some religious folk who understand their own beliefs supercede so-called patriotism.

Week Of 16 July, 2006

2006-07-16T10:50:00.000-04:00

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Scientists have developed a new chocolate that won't melt. The new, eh, substance holds its shape up to 122 degrees Fahrenheit, which is the exact temperature inside one of my pockets during the summer. The marketing slogan for the new sweetmeat: "Melts in your stomach, not in your mouth or hands."

CASTRATO LIBERATO DEL GRAVO
Italian scientists have exhumed the remains of an 18th-century opera singer who owed his talents in part to the fact that he was missing key (pun fully intended) male parts. The castrati had their private parts removed before puberty so they would retain their high-pitched singing voices. Jesus, and I thought Gary Coleman had tough "stage parents." The scientists could have saved themselves the trouble of digging the unfortunate man up; if they wanted to study a man with a woman's voice, they could have simply contacted Clay Aiken.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
My Other Son Is a US Marine
(culled from "My Other Car Is A Porsche" and "My Son Is A US Marine")

COULDA BEEN A SENATOR
Colorado beer magnate Peter Coors has had his driver's license taken away for driving under the influence of alcohol. Coors has admitted to drinking a beer about 30 minutes before he got behind the wheel and ran a stop sign back in May. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing - getting a DUI, or getting a DUI with one of Peter's beers in you.

LONG AIM OF THE LAW
A police constable in Hyberabad, India is in trouble for expectorating on students who were protesting an increase in college tuition fees. Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

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Week Of 9 July, 2006

2006-07-09T10:50:00.000-04:00

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Cold War Reenactors Society

THE UGLY, IMMOBILE AMERICAN
An 31-year-old American man lost the use of both his legs after being trampled during a mock bullfight related to the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Apparently, if you mess with the bull you get the wheelchair for life. Bloody brilliant.

FAHRENHEIT 1941
Some far-right German extremists held an old-fashioned book burning earlier this week, but it didn't include Catcher In The Rye, The Satanic Bible or Lady Chatterly's Lover. Nope, it was for Anne Frank's diary. You've got to be a poor excuse for a human being when you get your kicks from burning the last free words of a teenage girl who died at a concentration camp. I say we unleash a "Night of the Busted Ass" on these Nazi mofos.

NAKED AMBITION
A Chinese film body double (aka "booby double" or "booty double") wants more than her body shown on the big screen - she wants her name up there, too. Does this mean an end to the objectification of people who show only certain parts of their bodies in the movies for money?

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Dump truck (singular noun): A truck used to deliver portable toilets from location to location.

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ
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Week Of 2 July, 2006

2006-07-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

Fragmentia 13 is taking a break this week. However, I invite you to read my new guest post on Jack's "Good Works!" blog.

PS: Feel free to browse back through any issues here you may have missed.

Week Of 25 June, 2006

2006-06-25T11:15:00.000-04:00

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

A study has revealed that black Americans have better hearing than white Americans. Which does nothing to explain the ubiquity of the phrase, "Say what?"

DEVOURING THE COMPETITION
Sweetmeats giant Nestle has bought weight loss behemoth Jenny Craig. Next up, Nestle will shut down Jenny Craig and increase its own chocolate-related advertising. You can't have a bunch of health nuts eating into your profits.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Dating Former High School Bully's Teenage Daughter

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
This squirrel-proof bird feeder is sure to give hours of enjoyment to sadistic people everywhere. While the design allows birds to land and feed, it also causes the feeder to shut under the weight of any squirrel that tries to partake, leaving the rodents confused and depressed. Poor little fellers.

SWEET NECTAR OF LIFE
The FIVB volleyball tournament in Gstaad, Switzerland features dancers with skimpier outfits than even the players wear.

All hail Swiss movement!

A trio of cheeky bums.

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Week Of 18 June, 2006

2006-06-18T10:10:00.000-04:00

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Crumbinal (singular noun): One of those selfish bastards who leaves an empty bag of chips, crisps, cookies or biscuits in the cabinet, causing you great disappointment when you discover your desired snack is actually unavailable.

THINGS TO PONDER
How can some US lawmakers support amnesty for Iraqi terrorists and oppose amnesty for illegal Mexican immigrants? Are they concerned about the threat of future Nueve-Once attacks?

OUGHTA BE A UNION
Streetwalkers Local 187

BREAD AND TERRORISTS
Gunmen have kidnapped 10 workers from a Baghdad bakery. That'll show those infidel yeasties a thing or two!

IS THAT A DAGGER YOU'VE GOT, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

The sight of a naked risk-taker in Ann Arbor, Michigan so frightened a passerby that he ran after the unarmed, unclothed man and shot him. Perhaps the shooter was a member of the city's large Muslim population, members of which sometimes find immodesty more disturbing than violence. (As do some members of my family.)

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
Check out this blogger's site, and be sure to tell 'em Pete sent ya! (Caution: Some disturbing visual content.)

Week Of 11 June, 2006

2006-06-11T10:43:00.000-04:00

YOU GUYS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?
Some Florida high school students on a criminology class field trip discovered an actual dead body. Now that's real-life learnin'. Sign me up for the sex ed field trip!

BUT DOES IT COME IN A KOSHER VERSION?
Wrecking sportscars, dating hookers, snorting coke and chewing tobacco aren't the only chancy things baseball players do off the diamond. Some are enjoying greasy bacon-cheese burgers with a glazed donut for a bun. Mmm... donut. Mmm... bun.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
This Vehicle Stops At RR Crossings, Too... When There's A Damn Train Coming!

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?

This year hooligans at the World Cup football tournament in Berlin are on notice: You are being watched. Now there are police spotters designated for catching those overzealous fans before they run amok. Job qualifications? Eyesight. I don't imagine it would be hard to spot a lot of those buggers at a European football game.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Lateniks (plural noun): People who are constantly running late and fouling up things for the rest of us. The March Hares of society.

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Week Of 4 June, 2006

2006-06-04T10:45:00.000-04:00

HELL OF A PARTY
The town of Hell, Michigan is getting set to commemorate June 6, 2006 (6/6/06). It seems like a devilishly fun idea, especially since if you meet an eligible young bachelor or bachelorette during the festivities you don't have to ask them for their number - it's right there on their forehead!

DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT HIM
Paul Gleason, the actor who played the jackass principal in my favorite teen-angst-catharsis movie, The Breakfast Club, and the clueless deputy police chief in Die Hard, has died. God I will miss that "jerk." Gleason died from mesothelioma, a form of lung cancer linked to asbestos (What? It's the safest stuff on earth!). The fact that the disease likely took root half a century ago when Gleason worked in construction reminds us just how dangerous this stuff is, even many decades after exposure.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
e-tard (singular noun): Someone so technically inept that even the simple task of sending an e-mail is beyond his/her capabilities.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Tailgaters Will Be Ritualistically Slaughtered

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
God is pro-choice. The proof? Miscarriages and stillbirths. (Hey, don't attack the messenger on this one!)

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
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Week Of 28 May, 2006

2006-05-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Some time ago I told you about a microscopic computer that had just been invented. Well, I've been unable to sleep since then worrying about how someone might clean off the dust particles that might accumulate on that dainty device. Hallelujah! Science has finally given us the nano-brush. Coincidentally, that's just about the size of brush I need to neaten up my own hair.

THINGS TO PONDER
The Minutemen who keep America's southern border safe are building a fence, "La Pared Grande de Mexico," to keep those heavily armed Mexican migrant families out. Considering the name they've chosen for themselves, should these brave men be forced to carry muskets and wear tri-corner hats?

YOU SAY YOU WANT AN EVOLUTION
Some apes have shown the ability to "plan ahead." They could teach some of my friends and family members a thing or two.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Jerkumcision (singular noun): The forcible removal, often by means of a sharp object, of a loud, obnoxious person from a public place.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
My Hostage Is A Terrific Student At Washington Elementary

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Week Of 21 May, 2006

2006-05-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

DROP ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
And the Perfect Parenting Prize goes to... Britney Spears, who apparently learned her parental safety skills from another former pop star, Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson. She just can't seem to get a handle on little Sean, nearly dropping him right in front of the press. Maybe she needs to read the label and realize that it's cooking oil and not baby oil she's using on him.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Thongtanel (singular noun): A groove down the middle of a baby's head, caused by its mother's frequent wearing of thong undies during her pregnancy. See also: Britney Spears

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?

Keeping an eye on your caffeine intake? Worry no longer - just slip your dipstick into the cup. Warning: Coffee may be very HOT.

MINE'S BIGGER 'N YOURS
Apparently even the speed limits are bigger in Texas. Let's see Sammy Hagar find a word to rhyme with "80!" "I can't drive 80, I'd rather live in Haiti..."

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
In A Recent Survey, 91% Of Participants Said You Suck

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Week Of 14 May, 2006: Technical Difficulties (Updated)

2006-05-15T20:30:00.000-04:00

The post I was preparing for this week seems to have disappeared forever. Below is some of what was to be included (from memory) and other material. Sorry for the delay. Note: The technical difficulties seem to continue, as I am unable to make the headings their usual dark green. WTF?

THINGS TO PONDER
My oven has four racks. What do I do when the instructions tell me to bake something on the middle rack?

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Ma'amography (plural noun): An alternative name for women's literature.

ARMED AND DELUDED
Katherine Harris, the dragon-lady and makeover-as-cautionary tale who gave Florida to Bush in 2000, is training for a concealed weapons permit. Could it be that having all the Democrats and Republicants in the state against her Senate campaign is making her paranoid? I can see packing heat becoming a Republicant politicians' rite of passage in the near future.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Da Pimpmaster General

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Apparently those nutty Skull and Bones blokes really did steal Geronimo's skull last century. When President Bush, grandson of a Skull and Bones member, heard about a recently discovered letter which appears to verify the long-alleged theft, he was heard to say, "Did they find his parachute, too?"

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
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Week Of 7 May, 2006

2006-05-07T11:40:00.000-04:00

THINGS TO PONDER
Why do consternative crooks like Limbo and DeLay always smile for their mug shots? Hubris? Denial? Gas? They certainly emit plenty of the latter.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
I Have Nothing At All Against You People

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
What are Iraqis using their fake IDs for? Liquor? Cigarettes? Strip clubs? Casinos? Actually it's nothing vice-related. They're using them to stay alive.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Busheroo (singular noun): A gung-ho, yee-haw supporter of President Bush, with a somewhat Australian-sounding nickname.

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
The fast-food giants are certainly doing their part to stem the tide of obesity in the US. Seeking to prove that everything from Texas is bigger, Burger King has introduced the Texas Double Whopper, with two beef patties and bacon. But it's not just about portion sizes! Taco Bell has decided three squares per day isn't enough and is trying to get something called "fourth meal" going. Let the gluttony begin!

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Week Of 30 April, 2006

2006-04-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

SWEET NECTAR OF LIFE
Whether you're already a devout Christian, or are thinking about becoming one, this site has all the trappings you need to express your faith with flair.

WHO KNEW "FIVE TO TEN" MEANT INCHES?
"Drop the dildo, and step away from the bed!" Yet another Southern backwater is trying to make possession of sex toys a felony. I'll give you a moment to ponder that: Yup, even two consenting, married, heterosexual adults can't express their love physically without running afoul of the law (it's a given in many places that single and/or gay people cannot indulge their desires). This reminds me of the Texas woman who was arrested for throwing the adult version of a Tupperware Party. If we can't legally possess items made of plastic or latex in our own homes, what other manmade materials are safe???

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Dishonest Abe (singular noun): Indicted former lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

CUCKOO FOR COCO PUFFS
Is the Middle East ready for The Vagina Monologues? Lebanon is giving it a go. "Coco," apparently Lebanese for "coochie," is now being tossed around onstage over there alongside Shakespearean verse, to the shock and delight of long-deprived audiences. Once I finish writing The Penis Postulates I'll have to see if there's a market for it in the Muslim world.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
When Clinton Lied Only Sperm Died

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Week of 23 April, 2006

2006-04-23T10:50:00.000-04:00

WHO KNEW IT WAS THIS EASY?
The proverbial "dirty old man" was arrested in South Florida recently after posing as a doctor and going door to door offering free breast exams. Several women took Philip Winikoff, 76, up on the offer before one got suspicious and called the police. Apparently carrying a black bag and saying you're with a local hospital is all you need do to get some women to doff their blouses. Perhaps those "FBI" t-shirts, that is, the ones which read "Female Body Inspector," may not be such a silly investment after all.

THINGS TO PONDER
Anti-depressants like Prozac often cause "certain sexual side effects" in users, i.e. erectile dysfunction and ejaculatory failure. What could be more of a bummer?

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
My Honor Student Beat Up Your Messiah

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Consternative (singular noun): A politically brain-dead person prone to causing consternation among intelligent people.

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
It's time to retire the overused expression "aid and comfort." One of the most annoying phrases of the war on terror, it just doesn't work. I picture this: "Come sit down, Mr. Terrorist. I'll get you a Band-Aid and a pillow while my wife fixes you some soup. You can bunk with our teenage daughter until you feel better." See? Totally wrong.

SHOUT-OUT TO ALL MY BLOGGAZ!!!
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Week Of 16 April, 2006

2006-04-16T11:15:00.000-04:00

THINGS TO PONDER
Is it fair to give a Hollywood star to Winnie the Pooh, but not to Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
If The Van Is Rocking, Call 911 - I'm Having Another Seizure

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
Speaking of bumper stickers, one that has really caught my attention is, "Caution: In Case Of Rapture This Vehicle Will Be Unmanned." How thoughtful of these folks to tell me that, when the end comes and they're suddenly swept off to heaven, I should be careful about all the driverless cars on the road. I mean, how would I explain that accident to my insurance company? "One minute there was a guy driving the car, the next minute he was gone!" As I certainly won't be ascending, I hope they'll start to offer "unmanned car rapture collision insurance" someday soon.

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Legislater (singular noun): Not to be confused with a "legislator," legislaters are lawmakers who recently left office in disgrace, or are soon to vacate, because of their own corruption, incompetence or other misdeeds. "Duke" Cunningham? Later! Tom DeLay? Later!!!

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
A "pregnant" robot called "Noelle" is now being used to train medical students on how to assist with the birthing of a child. Her (its?) realistic human appearance begs the following questions:

Do they dope Noelle up before delivery?

Do they, um, shave Noelle's syngina before delivery so it won't tickle the baby's nose on the way out?

Is Noelle equipped with a voice-chip, enabling her to scream, "Push? Yeah, I'll push, you bastard! YOU did this to me, you goddamned son of a bitch!!!"

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Week Of 9 April, 2006

2006-04-09T10:22:00.000-04:00

PISSING ON PROGRESS

Take a look at this dispute over water-free urinals in Philadelphia. No water means no work for plumbers - but a savings of well over 1 million gallons of water per year. Which is preferable? If we are to move to a less oil-dependent culture, this "jobs vs. progress" argument will become increasingly prominent.

THINGS TO PONDER
Is penne pasta ribbed for our dining pleasure?

WHAT WEBSTER WON'T TELL YOU
Ideot (singular noun): Someone so ideologically extreme that everything they say makes them look idiotic. See Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh for a demonstration.

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Know thyself, but never in public places.

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
I Brake For DUI Checkpoints

DASTARDLY DISCIPLES
Maybe the religious right was right - transvestitism is harmful. Just look at what these cross-dressers did.

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Week Of 2 April, 2006

2006-04-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

HOW HAVE WE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?
Scientists are working on technology to allow them to one day build atom-sized computers. This brings up all sorts of questions: How big will the stores that sell these computers be? Will there be subatomic-sized security tags on the computers to prevent people stealing them? And perhaps the most important question: Will these computers count as “one personal item” when brought onto a commercial airplane?

NECTAR OF LIFE
Things you can make with Guinness.

UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Justice isn’t blind, just blindfolded. (That's a sword she's carrying, not a cane.)

OUGHTA BE A BUMPER STICKER
Honk If You Take Orders From Strangers

WHAT WEBSTER WON’T TELL YOU
Republicants (plural noun): Like the replicants in Blade Runner, Republicants appear human but really aren’t. They are dangerously powerful, have trouble with "feelings," and should not be trusted under any circumstances.

THINGS TO PONDER
Shouldn’t menopause be called “menostop?”

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